Another week.  I ordered a Deadpool mask.

  • Did a job interview a couple of weeks ago.  Thought it went pretty well, but it doesn’t look like I’m getting the job.  Oh well.  It was a local coffee company.  One of the things that stood out to me was the specification that applicants aren’t smokers.  I’ve speculated at various times that where I am currently might implement such a ban, especially after they reduced the areas where employees can go to smoke.  People leaving cigarette butts on the ground outside has always been a problem, and I even found one in a trash can in the area where we box cheese–likely left thrown their after someone went out for a smoke, just sitting right on top of the trash.  Given that some of the higher ups smoke and half the workforce smoke, it would likely be some time and effort before such a ban is implemented.
  • So I was at Home Depot the other day, looking into a number of ideas for projects.  Mostly just getting a vague idea of what type of gear I can or should get to do a lot of the projects I have in mind.  Big one I was drooling over was a table saw.  I’m thinking of building a few bookshelves and eventually a couple of desks–one for a computer and one for drawing.  More of a project for when I’ve got a house of my own situated. The desk might end up being built into a wall, so I’m planning on that being after the housing saga is close to its conclusion.
  • I was thinking about how other people working nights make relationships work.  A lot are married, but there are a few people who are still single.  Everybody is a little different, but I do think being in a relationship while working nights can be tricky.  It seems to require a high level of patience, understanding and commitment.  Part of the reason why I’m glad I remained single.  In the past I’ve pondered the usefulness of a rebound relationship and have tried to avoid getting into anything based in desperation.  People are fond of saying, “You’re 30, blah, blah, blah…”  but isn’t the point to not rush and form better long-term plans?
  • My father and uncle are in the process of getting a solar company to put panels on some of the farmland–the farm I grew up on until I was thirteen.  It has been controversial in a myriad of ways.  While I’m all for expanding solar panel usage, I do have some doubts about the situation.  My family and the surrounding neighbors aren’t necessarily… “progressive.”  Solar energy is something I’ve been very interested in though.  When I was a heartbeat away from farming, something I had thought about was seeing if it would be possible to use part of a field for some panels.  Nothing too elaborate.  At the time I was thinking that they were pretty heavy into dairy and it might not be a bad idea to diversify a little–solar energy, pigs, maybe bit more foodstuffs, lately I’m thinking about goats, etc.  Anyway, solar energy is a market I think there could be a lot of potential for.  I’m sure there will be a fair amount of excitement with the process my family has set into motion.

An odd thought has occurred to me the other day.  I’ve spent most of the last seven years working in concrete box, the last two working nights.  In that time, I’ve gotten numerous chances to watch the sun rise and set.  To watch the changing of the guard from day to night and back again.  Celestia and Luna at work, for the MLP fans out there.

I realize, as I lounge in bed with a bit of a stomach ache trying to sleep, I miss being a creature of the day.  If there is daylight, I want to be a part of it.  That has been arguably the biggest challenge I’ve faced working nights.  Letting go of the daylight.  Everyday I step outside of work and the sun is up, I wake.  And as long as the sun is up, I remain so.

Kind of the curse of working nights.  I accepted a long time ago I’m a creature of the day.  When I was haphazardly planning to build a house, I had two design elements that stick out.  One was an art studio that would have been intended to get as much light as possible for the bulk of the day–an aspect I’ve struggled with in my art is setting up and maintaining a good environment for drawing and/or writing.  More important than you would think.  The other was a lounging bench in a window as part of the library room–I recently posted a sketch of what I had roughly thought this could look like on Instagram.  Kind of cleaning up some of the sketches and notes I had made years ago to practice doing some interior settings.

Point is, I’ve come to realize an appreciation for the day.  For the sun and all the potential it brings.  I’m not a vampire, although I’ve written about them.  I really have developed a deeper appreciation for daylight and would love nothing more than fully embrace it once again.

Some other thoughts:

  • Did a job interview last week, I think it went fairly well.  Part of me is a little concerned about pursuing this right now with Obamacare under fire.  I would prefer a bit more stability on that front.  I think repealing Obamacare is going to do more harm than good.  I really viewed it as more of a first step than the full answer.  Personally, I think the better approach would be to build off of it as it is–especially since there’s a lot of things people like about it.
  • I’m thinking about a lot of ideas.  Meant to geared up to mess around with some archery stuff, never really got around to it.  Might try to do that when Spring rolls around.  Also might look into raising goats again.  I just think that would be fun.
  • Thinking about past mistakes.  Situations mishandled.  I’ve considered offering a number of apologies–to coworkers, my ex, odd family members, etc.–but wonder does it really have meaning?  Are people too complex to accept simple apologies?  And would my apologies prevent others from seeing the things they could have done better?

Resolution Post?

December 31, 2016

I suppose this could the “New Year, New Me” post, if the meteor doesn’t wipe us all out before midnight tonight–this year has really softened us up for it, so I wouldn’t be surprised.  So yeah, I really question the validity of a post detailing any real resolution for the coming 2017.  I mean it really shouldn’t take the arbitrary determination of the passage of a rotation around the sun to get your shit together.

I do have some ongoing goals for the coming year.  Some of which are more realistic than others.

  • Get to more family gatherings.  Strangely enough, I miss going to family gatherings on a regular basis.  Working nights disrupts most human interactions on a variety of levels and I’m feeling like that’s been one of my biggest issues is the lack of person to person connection.  Family gatherings in specific, I’ve come to like those more than I used to.  I would like to make sure I get to more of them in the future.
  • Somewhat related, try a new vocation.  While I am ramping up the job hunt in recent weeks, I’m also tempted to… inquire about some part time opportunities.  Farming is one that sticks out to me.  One of the bigger eye rolls I had about my ex and the farm was that she never took the hint that if her parents had made a real offer on a job with the farm, I would have taken it.  Kind of a ridiculous thing, but I took that whole dynamic seriously and did not feel right initiating that process.  So I’ll see if there’s potential for some kind of part time gig.
  • Continue to get into better shape.  I’ve accomplished a lot of goals in the last few months, but I’ve no intention of stopping.  Kayak more too.  I still have an interest in archery that I would like to explore a bit more.  I have a coworker who keeps trying to talk me into shooting guns, but firearms don’t really hold that much interest to me.  I acknowledge my politics might influence that, but I honestly think guns are overrated.  If I’m messing around with weaponry, I’d rather it was something I was putting more effort into than a flick of a finger.
  • Do more art.  I’ve made a lot progress and I’d like to continue with that.  On me to keep that going in the right direction though.

Pick A Title

June 16, 2016

(Another insomnia post, related a bit to what I’m talking about.)

There was a Mel Brooks movie in the late seventies called High Anxiety.  It was based a send-up on Alfred Hitchcock movies, primarily mimicking the plot of Vertigo–if I’m not mistaken, it has been a few years since I saw either.  Not really the highlight of the Mel Brooks catalog, it was after the Blazing Saddles/Young Frankenstein phase and before Spaceballs/Robin Hood: Men In Tights wrapped up his directorial career.

It springs to mind because the main character is diagnosed with “High Anxiety” which they state impacts a surprising percentage of people.  Can’t remember exactly what the old doctor says.  Lately I’ve been reading up about Anxiety Disorders.  Mostly to educate myself.  There are two or three areas in  particular where I’m trying to learn more.

The first is professional.  Working nights in the situations we’ve had going on at work, I’ve on a couple of occasions wondered if certain aspects of that could lead to an anxiety disorder of some kind.  I’m an introvert to begin with, which is not necessarily a disorder, but it is something to be aware of.  I know at least one coworker that has admitted to me that he has anxiety issues, and it would not surprise me to find out there are a few more with some anxiety problems.  So, given that there is a some history of it occurring and knowing that I’m subjected to a lot of those same stresses and few new ones, I figured I would at least become more aware of what makes up anxiety disorders with the idea of catching a problem early.

The second is that my grandparents are in a somewhat fluid state of dementia and part of that can have the byproduct of creating a more paranoid or anxious state.  So that aspect is something I wanted to look into, if only to figure out if there was a way to improve interactions with them.  Given their age and state, it is likely a lost cause.

The third would be that I know or believe I know/knew a fair number of people have or could have some form of anxiety disorder–not diagnosing, but I am cognizant that 18% of the population has some level of anxiety disorder and the age group I spend the most time with is more likely to have such issues.  And there were one or two people I think could have some level of anxiety issues–again not diagnosing, just observing a medical and behavioral history–and there were times I did not really handle myself well in dealing with those people.

Now I’m trying to learn more about anxiety disorders.  Like I said, I have some concerns about my own health, although nothing too serious.  Writing, drawing, eating well, working out, and outdoor stuff; all those have emerged as outlets to counter some anxieties.  The only things I feel I’m lacking are sleep and social interaction.  I’m working on those two, but it is… a challenge that I’m struggling to meet.  That’s kind of the whole point behind what I’m calling the Soul Wars.  But hey, my review should be happening tomorrow, so we will see how that goes.

As for dealing with other people, some of those people I didn’t handle things very well with were people I was fairly close with.  I was very dismissive of people’s worrying and that might have cost me.  There was a lot of stuff I should have been more aware of and more understanding about.  And I can see myself in such situations again.  I mean, I am part of that demographic that is more likely to have anxiety issues.  I could be friends or something more with people that experience any manner of anxiety issues.  Being able to understand and accept those were a bit of an issue.  Just one more way I’m trying to do better.

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