February 4, 2017
Couldn’t really think of a snazzy title, so I just swiped a line from “Ballad of the Comeback Kid” by the New Pornographers.
It can be weird how much we don’t really notice during our childhood. Like all those things that you learn about years later and make you go, “That makes so much more sense now.” Generally as I’ve gotten older, there has been a steady reeducation about any number of things that unfolded when I was younger. A lot of it related to my family’s history with farming. With the recent foray into solar panels that has begun, I have gotten a few more details I missed.
I recall a conversation with my ex’s parents where they were asking about how my family has farmers on both sides. I believe the point I made was that “We aren’t really good at it.” Which partly me giving a bullshit, asshole response and partly truth.
My mother’s parents have a farm that my uncle has since taken over. Before I was born, my mother worked on farms in various capacities–milking, inspection work, etc. I’ve touched on some of the events that unfolded there at one point or another, but there have been a number of struggles.
On my father’s side, my dad and one of my uncles on that side had been running a farm–where the solar panels are planned to go–from before I was born to when I was about twelve. My uncle continued to farm, but at that point my father left and eventually settled into his current job. My uncle has scaled back the farm considerably, but continues to work it while planning on the solar panels.
Now, here’s what I mean by how “We aren’t really good at” farming. With my mother’s side, there have been a number of issues related to finances, business and other things. There were a few events I didn’t find out about until a decade or more after the event.
On my father’s side, it was always relatively small operation. My father leaving the farm was something at the time I was under the impression that had more to do with him wanting to spend more time with me and my sister. Which I suppose has some truth to it. But as I said, the reeducation has enlightened me to a few details that bring the picture into a bit more focus.
My mother has opened up to me about a few details having to do my father leaving the farm and the general dynamic that was going on when I was a child. The uncle that worked with my dad generally seemed fairly gruff with me and my sister when we were younger. It kind of made us… not necessarily feeling welcome out in the barn. At least to me anyway. As a kid, I was aware of it, but not really capable of comprehending exactly what it meant. My mother acknowledged that the uncle didn’t really want us on the farm, which I had figured out on some level. There could be a lot of reasons for it, but suffice to say I was discouraged from doing too much with the farming as a child and that discouragement made me a lot more… wary of farming. Still does, on some level.
More recently though, I was discussing the solar panels with my mother and she made a comment about something the uncle said recently. Something about he could have made some changes to the farm after my father left. The way my mother was talking, I think my father had some frustrations with my uncle’s methodology. Or that she did. Nothing I’m really going to ask about, ancient history really. But it does… raise some questions in my mind.
Point is, the more recent revelations about my family’s farm make me realize how little I really understood about what was unfolding at the age of twelve. How little we comprehend a lot of events that unfold when we’re kids. And how those events came to influence me later on.
March 23, 2016
Getting a bit more serious than normal. There’s been a lot of serious stuff going on that I feel I have to touch on.
- Been writing about food and eating a lot lately. Feel like I should stop doing that. Or stuff my face with some food so I shut up about food. Either way works, I suppose. Somewhat related note, I’ve developed a fascination with the word “correlation.” I thought it might be hilarious to name a child Cora or Corie and say it is short for that. True said child could hate me forever, but it might be worth it.
- Trying to get rolling with some drawing again. Same story as ever really: too exhausted, too sick. Getting pretty tired of how inconsistent my focus and condition is. One of the mental effects of my bad choices. Got a few projects I want to get done though. One more important than the others. Just need to get the momentum to do it though. Working on various writing projects as well.
- Speaking of drawings, I was looking at some older stuff on dA the other day and I saw that my drawings of my cat’s little brother I did as tests for a potential comic based off of him have been getting a few more looks the last week or two. Just seems kinda weird how that type of thing works on dA. I mean, something I did months ago getting more looks now? Just amuses me mostly. Planning to get rolling with that comic soon too.
- So there’s an idea that’s been put forth multiple times that annoys me a bit. I heard that one of my ex’s relatives was having some health troubles again. Been an ongoing thing for awhile now. Some people have suggested the idea that the break-up was somehow a higher power or force protecting me. From what, I do not know. Maybe dealing directly with that? I call bullshit. One, this guy has four of the best reasons to get better so I really do not worry about him that much. Two, these people were family to me. That doesn’t really change and no longer being with my ex isn’t really going to negate any of the feelings I will experience in any event. Three, there’s a gym motivation thing I saw a few weeks ago that goes: “We grow a lot like our muscles do. When pushed to our limits and tore open we recover and stronger than we were before.” Over the last year and a half I have gone beyond my limits and am stronger as a result–and not just because I spend so much time at the gym. Stronger and better all around. Better able to handle whatever happens.
- At work, a couple of guys put their notice in. They had been there about three or four months a piece, neither much over twenty-one if that. Did a bunch of farming here and there before that. One is leaving because he wants to be working outside–and probably doesn’t like working nights. The other… I heard a couple of different stories. One that he didn’t get some time off he wanted–bit skeptical there, because these days all you have to do is fill out a request form and you basically get that time off automatically–and the other being that he wanted to move on to another job within the plant or get on different hours or whatever.* Looks like they couldn’t make it through two weeks. Mostly I’m just rolling my eyes. Given their age, I get the feeling they are not done being whiny teenagers. Millennial type thing, I guess. That can hold over well into your twenties, as experience has told me. They strike me as the type whose girlfriends are as much surrogate mothers as anything. Admittedly I’m not overly fond of working there either, but it is what you make of it and I’m trying to create a better situation–surprising how hard that fight has been. The place does pay better and has better benefits than most others in the area. If they were not going to even seriously try to make something of it with a little effort and patience, why bother applying in the first place? It is a situation that could be handled better on their part and on the part of management.
*Quick add-on. Heard a story that this guy tried to put in his notice on Saturday night, but the Supervisor on duty that night told him to talk to the production manager. Or at least that’s what I’m assuming happened. The story I heard was that the supervisor told he couldn’t do that, but it makes more sense all-around that he would have to go to the production manager or HR on Monday.
*Apparently there is a bit more to that tale. I guess the Supervisor in question did not handle things quite so well.