May 29, 2010

Been thinking about school a lot lately.  I think there are two reasons for this.  One is that a guy I went to school with was killed while walking through a park in Maine.  The other being that an ex-almost-girlfriend sent me a message to apologize for being a bitch.

I was never that close with the guy that died, but I always thought he was a good guy.  We had a few friends in common and he always seemed pretty cool.  Apparently a couple of guys beat him to death.  I’m just going to say he didn’t deserve that and the world would be a better place with him in it.

As for the girl, that was fairly unexpected.  I never thought I would hear from her again.  To be honest, I never thought I would hear from her again and was getting rather comfortable with the idea.  True I figured it might come up again at some point, but I never seriously expected it.  All that stuff happened over a year ago and was fading into ancient history for me.  In all honesty, I really didn’t like who I was at that particular time.  As much as I appreciated the thought and sentiment behind her apology, it still felt kind of empty to me.  Partly because most of what I did at the time was blame myself for all the shit that went down.  At some point a little less than a year ago I was listening to the then new Modest Mouse CD when I heard one line:  “You can say what you want you’re forgiven/ well, happy fucking congratulations”.    It was kind of a moment of clarity there where I realized I needed to stop sulking, move on and stop blaming myself.  I still feel no particular desire to do much dealing with the girl, but at least I haven’t started blaming myself again.  Part of me wants to see if there’s a friendship to be salvaged there, but I don’t care much to at this point.  I think actually admitting that I don’t bear her any ill-will is a process greatly halted by the fact that the person I was when we had our spastic whatever was someone I really didn’t like.

These two things have been the recurring topics on my mind the last week or so.


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